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April 17, 2006 20:25 UTC

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Hundreds of iPods Sold

SILICON VALLEY, California -- Earlier today, during a surprise press conference, Apple Computer released its annual earnings report; this report includes quarterly earning breakdowns, product sales, and several other fiscal notes. According to the report, nearly 300 iPods have been sold since its initial release late in 2001.
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Easter Bunny Celebrates 1976th Birthday

Easter Island, Pacific Ocean -The Easter Bunny, the defining symbol of Christianity, celebrated his 1976th birthday amid much fanfare today. The Bunny was born in 30 A.D., precisely three days after Jesus' cruxifixion. He will eat an estimated 2 tons of eggs today.
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UnNews Announces Morse Code RSS feed

UnNews Secret Headquarters - UnNews Inc., a subsidiary of Uncyclopedia (ticker: UNC), proudly announced a state-of-the-art Morse Code RSS feed today. It is the first such feed in the world; although WikiNews promised to release theirs earlier this month, technical problems have plagued their project, delaying it for at least another year.
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This Week's Stock Tip:

Name: Black Gangsta' Inc. (NGGR)

Price: $62.28 (delayed)

Recommendation: Buy

Synopsis: The business has gained recent popularity after it announced that it "smoked sum bitches." The stock has become a bellweather for investors, with a BPS (Bitches Per Share) that exceeded what Wall St. analysts were looking for - and currently heading towards a 52-week high thanks to aid from some Class A drugs. No doubt that growth wise, this company will be 'smokin' sum more bitches' in the future.

Risk Level: Medium


Worldwide Forecast at a Glance:

  • Alaska to experience a heat wave, next week, in the upper -20's Celsius.
  • Over to Africa, there'll be cool breeze to start a warm day tomorrow, with a slight chance of guerilla warfare in the afternoon.
  • Persons in south-east Asia are TSOL, expect hailstones the size of coconuts.
  • Inflow and horizontal vorticity may tilt into mesocylones anytime this Spring.
  • As a note, God spoke to NOAA today, and hath said a large willy-willy is to be expected.


Special Weather Report:

A pack of wild hurricanes were spotted off the coast of Sweden.

Global Warming Indicator


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