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March 32: First day of Long March, National Austrialian Pirate Appreciation Day ("Arr! Put another shrimp on the barbie!")
- 1064 - Harald Hardraada attempts to invade Shetland.
- 1492 - Christopher Columbus abandons career in film to sail the ocean blue.
- 1525 v2.0 - St. Alfred of Parma (Alfredo Lambrusco) died (unconfirmed).
- 1788 - Notorious pirate Bill Bryson invades and conquers Australia.
- 1853 - Queen Victoria decides that she's "not readye for Aprille yet" and renames March Long March with an extra day.
- 2004 - An Uncyclopedia editor enters an Anniversary in the wrong place.
- 1949 - Bad Teletubbies stole a bank in Brazil and then robbed it.
- 1993 - After years of searching, Jimmy Hoffa is finally found alive, working as a roadie for Nirvana.
- 1999 - the Y2K Bug is devised as a crafty joke.
- 2005 - Uncyclopedia writer is found shot dead at his compu
- 2006 - Uncyclopedia gets taken over by Apple and becomes iHumor.
April 2: National Refrigerator Day (Paraguay)
- 1111 - The Knights Templar came into being, as a clandestine drinking society.
- 1942 - Classic arcade title 1942 designed, rights to year purchased by Capcom.
- 1983 - Science invented by accident. Quickly swept into bedpan.
- 2002 - The U.S. Kitten Embargo begins as part of The War Against Terror
- 2005 - St. Peter's Basilica accidentally eats the Pope.
- 2005 - The first Expired Goods Festival is held.
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April 3: Vivaldi Appreciation Sunday
- 10,000,000 B.C- Grim Reaper born
- 468 BC - Hashish is patented by the Incas
- 1220 A.D. - The Dark Ages are briefly illumniated by a massive explosion in Syria
- 1948 - The Marshall Mathers plan to flood Europe with rap music commences.
- 1974 - Tornadoes sweep the U.S.A, inspiring the invention of the tumble drier.
- 1986 - D.J. murder rate at all-time high, blamed on the provocative lyrics of a single by hardcore rap collective The Smiths.
- 1996 - The Unabomber is arrested for crimes against tasteful nomenclature.
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April 4: National No Spamming Day (Iraq)
- 3141 BC - The world's first great pi was baked. It took 3.141592654 years to eat.
- 1581 - Francis Drake circumcised the world with a ginormous 300 ft clipper
- 1937 - Foodspam created to combat E-Spam.
- 1949 - Iceland's blundered declaration of war on the USA leads to the accidental formation of NATO.
- 1951 - the world's favourite missile, the Tomahawk, goes on sale in Wal-Mart.
- 1969 - The band Nazareth (Lead by bassist--singer Jesus of Nazareth) releases their most critically acclaimed album, Fuck you too, John Lennon.
- 1469- All calenders in the U.S. are set back 500 years
- 1984 - President Ronald Reagan calls for an international ban on something or other, oh hell I can't remember.
- 1998 - the world's heaviest kangaroo, Guzzler, dies in Melbourne aged 4 years.
- 2001 - the butterfly effect is proved in an ingenious experiment, causing devastating hurricane damage in China.
- 2002 - Actor Mickey Rooney begins his process of decomposition.
- 2006 - Jesus did some shit you know that kind of shit oh and stuff happened you know the stuff that priests and people do *that* stuff.
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April 5: National Bullying Day (Scotland), National Dwarf With A Big Mole Holiday (Philippines)
- 7935 BC - Adam kicked out of Edam for milking God creating the first Milk based product of the gods
- 1614 - Pocahontas sells life story to Disney for a handful of plastic beads
- 1640 - King Charles I of England disbands the Short Parliament because "Who cares what happens to short people?"
- 1945 - USSR deploys troops in Yugoslavia to act as security at T.A.T.U. gig.
- 1955 - Winston Churchill gives up politics and goes into insurance.
- 1992 - Several hundred thousand abortion rights demonstrators march on top of babies in Washington D.C.
- 1994 - Nancy Sinatra voted least singer likely to wear chartreuse by Rolling Stone
- 2000 - Global warming is first linked to the phenomenon of climate change.
- 2001 - George Bush debunk myth of Global warming after a period of vicious prayer.
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April 6: Arson Wednesday in the Nihilist Church of New Zealand
- 648 BC - Earliest solar eclipse first recorded by Ancient Greeks quickly followed by large earthquake, suicide, and disease.
- 1895 - Oscar Wilde was arrested in London for "acts of gross indecency". You can't make this stuff up
- 1896 - First modern olympic doping scandal discovered at Athens games.
- 1900 - 20th Century is first described as "the worst ever".
- 1917 - the USA declares war on germs
- 1934 - the first perpetual motion machine goes on sale in Pennsyltucky
- 1955 - Hell freezes over, Devil skates to work
- 1985 - Video gaming is first cited as a precursor to juvenile delinquency.
- 1998 - Tom Jones Industrial Average closes above 9,000 for the first time.
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April 7: Burn Down Your House Day
- 64 BC - Caroline of Snell - the greatest beauty known to mankind is born. She becomes know as the face that launched a thousand space rockets.
- 1067 - the first ever Battle of Hastings re-enactment is fought.
- 1544 - Queen Elizabeth I starts her famous celebrity gossip column in The Times
- 1906 - Mt. Vesuvius erupts due to a bout of tectonic indigestion.
- 1969 - The Beatles publish their greatest work, the Communist Manifesto.
- 1988 - Sheryl Crow breaks $15,000 worth of crockery with one wave of her baseball bat.
- 2004 - Mike Tyson gets beaten with a three-round TKO by Jaleel White. Vegas bookies go bankrupt after millions place bet on Erkel.
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April 8: Build Your House Again Day
- 1902 - Actress Sharon Stone born
- 1826 - Butter was discovered by Helmut Wankenpoop.
- 1899 - Martha Place becomes the first woman to wear an electric chair.
- 1986 - Clint Eastwood is elected Governor of California.
- 1990 - Dolly Parton's Twin Peaks premiere.
- 1992 - Rodney King discovers the hard way that in fact we all cannot get along.
- 1994 - Kurt Cobain had a bad headache.
- 2010 - Nosmo King, famous Jazz Player, cryongenically frozen after he died in 1976 is reanimated.
- 2023 - Hug a Stranger Day cancelled when hugging found to lead to sexual intercourse.
- 2024 - Hug a Stranger day reinstated when they found out sex was good.
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April 9: Wester (Eastern Unorthodox)
- 2566 BC - First lame prop comic headlines European cave, is subsequently fed to sabretooth tigers.
- 1601 - Strom Thurmond born.
- 1895 - Oscar Wilde arrested for for being "really really gay ".
- 1943 - Adolf Hitler takes a shit when he learns that the Russians are holding out in Leningrad
- 1949 - Little Orphan Annie shoots and kills five in a bank robbery.
- 1996 - Wendy's researchers find the beef.
- 2000 - Public disfarbulation outlawed due to pot heads seriously creeping people out.
- 2006 - Ryan neglects to maintain property rights of North Shore Syndicate resulting in massive public outcry and riots. Thousands die in the ensuing tsunami.
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April 10: Smoke-'em-if-ya-got-'em Day
- 1959 - Basic Instinct starring Sharon Stone released.
- 1490 - Juan Ponce de Leon discovers the Fountain of Youth in Florida, shrugs and sets up a retirement community around it.
- 1919 - Mexican leader Juan Valdez invents coffee.
- 1964 - Professor Andmaryann discovers Coconuts.
- 1996 - Tired of being ridiculed by fans, Michael Jackson finally admits, yes, it does matter whether you're black or white, and to get a pay raise, he turned white.
- 2005 - Dennis Rodman's hair develops sentience, takes over South America.
- 10839 - Paul Atreides goes blind.
- 1000 - Count Baltar is the first man on the moon. Later he was made into the Cylon god. He then married Adam and his siter Eve.
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April 11: National Backwards Helmet Day
- 48 - Holy Belly Button Lint discovered in ditch near Golgotha.
- 641 - Sliced bread invented.
- 642 - Toast invented.
- 643 - First slice of buttered toast dropped on floor.
- 1492 - First slice of jelly bread thrown into someone's face.
- 1965 - Sharon Stone turns 60.
- 1969 - Satan invents Disco
- 1984 - Mr. Rogers flips out and assassinates the Thomas the Tank Engine.
- 1999 - Rain of Tears memorial, mass suicides after first showing of Gigli
- 2004 - Jesus Christ reborn in Nigeria, attempts to reach out to acquaintances throughout the world by email, disastrously mistranslates himself as "King of Nigeria".
- 2005 - sdrawkcaB is invented to make the celebration of the holiday possible.
- 2008 - Bill Gates is trying to copyright the horn of a telephone, to annoy Apple's PhonePod.
April 12: Narcolepsy D....zzzzzz........ ay...zzzz..
- 1966 - Sharon Stone comes out of retirement to become, at 78, the oldest woman to circumnavigate Arnold Schwartzenegger.
- 600 AB - Jesus takes a nap.
- 124 BC - Forgetting to file his taxes on time, Prometheus uninvents fire in an attempt to delay the deadline. The Sun foils his plans.
- 1022 - The Library of the Invisible Pink Unicorn is established in Sicily.
- 1943 - Jeremaiah Einstein was beaten with a really dirty stick while no one cared.
- 1945 - Orville Redenbacher begins work on The Manhattan Project.
- 1955 - February's Groundhog leaves hole in total darkness, Spring decides not to come at all this year, skips straight to summer.
- 1966 - Celebration of the Birth of Christ. Again.
- 1985 - Battleship has reached a new record of kids killed through eating the little plastic peices with their ice-cream, mistaking them for sprinkles.
- 2049 - Rainbow Brite task force counter attacks, defeating Lord Zarquon in an epic battle involving at least three spork battles.
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April 13: Gangster Rap Appreciation Day (United Spades of Amerika)
- 1901 - Actress Sharon Stone born.
- 1951 - Jesus Christ and the Buddha form the seminal gangster rap duo, Shakyamuni and the JC.
- 1962 - First rap-related homicide is reported in Springfield, Nebraska.
- 1976 - Richard Nixon is made available to catalogue shoppers for the first time.
- 1984 - Ingsoc releases minitrue-approved rap artist "Doubleplus Hardcore Niggaz". First song on the disc, "BB inflicts doubleplusgood wounds on proles" goes doublegood award, but band is disbanded after recording song "Fuck tha thoughtpolice"
- 1985 - The space shuttle Challenger is dubbed "unexplodable" by NASA at a news conference.
- 1994 - Tupac Shakur goes platinum with his new album, "Nigga, Fuck, Fuck, Bitch, Nigga, Mothafucka, Ho, Bitch, Nigga, Fuck". Shakur thanks God.
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April 14: Pull My Finger Day (Smith Family Reunion)
- 13 - Repairs begin after worse Friday 13th ever.
- 1215 - Magna Carta signed, giving the Red Baron the right to bake pizza on his warplane.
- 1500 - Michelangelo carves a statue of a marble out of an elephant carcass.
- 1654 - On this Sunday, by a freak coincidence, no-one turned up to church at all, anywhere. Excuses cited include "washing cart" and "wife pregnant".
- 1936 - Hitler's girlfriend Eva Braun buys a "really cute armband" for the big rally.
- 1967 - Yoko Ono forms her renegade militant group "The Plastic Renegades" with the objective of destroying all good music in the universe.
- 1987 - Miracle Whip deemed "less than miraculous" by the FDA.
- 2005 - Today. (Note: Information on Uncyclopedia may be slightly out of date as our editors are too lazy to keep up with current events. We apologize for the inconvenience.)
- 2006 - Definitely today.
- 7777 - Everyone won the lottery at once, Sadly the gains for each were 0.5 cents for everyone.
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April 15: Auditoria begins (IRS)
- 1 BC - The IRS meets, thousands mourn.
- 1726 - Potato chip invented, thousands gorge.
- 1912 - The Titanic was torpedoed by The Empire off the coast of Newfoundland.
- 1933 - Karl Marx and his brothers Lenny, Joey, and Trotsky star in the zany slapstick hit "Opiate of the Molasses".
- 1944 - The first Weapon of Mass Destruction is invented in Switzerland but nobody notices...
- 2002 - Karl Rove's Fourth Reich Spectrum of Islamofascist Fear is adopted
- 2004 - Shitloads of stuff happened on this day but nobody bothered writing it down.
- 2015 - Homer Simpson invades Norway with an army of doughnut warriors.
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April 16: Annual Miss Stalin-Look-Alike 2006
- 1560 BC - Moses forgets to take his Schizophrenia pills and begins to hear voices. He takes off from Ur, resulting in all of modern humanity's problems.
- 1178 BC - Odysseus, legendary King of Ithaca, returns to his Kingdom after the Trojan War. Cornellians giggle uncontrollably.
- 1943 - Doctors discover that LSD can be used to create small doses of the miracle-drug Pepto-Bismol.
- 1953 - Desi Arnaz slaps Lucille Ball, calling her an 'estupit beach' on national television.
- 1972 - At the age of 69, actress Sharon Stone gets a star on the Walk of Fame.
- 1991 - US federal law passed forbidding driving while spreading cream cheese on a bagel.
- 2006 - The Queen of England decrees that all Australians must wear cork underpants.
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April 17: Ring around the Planet Day (Milky Way)
- 1800 BC - Egyptian Pharaoh King Tut invents the electric shaver.
- 1002 BC - The Mayan Calendar is created.
- 1521 - Martin Luther promotes his Diet of Worms eating plan. After refusing to recant, he is excommunicated by Pope Tony Little.
- 1892 - Rodney King is found not guily of beating two white policemen
- 1930 - George Bush invents Google and makes thousands of yen.
- 1937 - Daffy Duck is made King of Yugoslavia.
- 1961 - Bay of Pigs invasion begins: A group of EAC-financed pigs are air-lifted into New Jersey with the aim of ousting Colonel Sanders from power.
- 1973 - At the age of 70, actress Sharon Stone tames her first Komodo dragon.
- 1995 - Triumph the insult comic dog is born.
- 1996 - Martha Stewart is convicted of attempting to assassinate Oprah Winfrey
- 2002 - Adrian Brody's nose gets bigger.
- 2005 - Cat is convicted of attempting to steal more Milk from Columbine High School.
- 2050 - The Rock Wars of 2050 begin.
- 2200 - After the millionth coming of Jesus, the people get board of his grand entrances saying that he is making everyone look bad.
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April 18: Dependence Day (Canada)
- 1524 - The world'd first Spanish restaurant founded by Hernán Cortés in Tenochtitlan
- 1958 - The Supreme Court of the United States bans poetry, evicts all known poets from the country.
- 1972 - First public toilet opens in Texas. Texans ignore this, and continue urinating in public.
- 1983 - A suicide plumber floods the United States embassy in Beirut, Lebanon.
- 1999 - World War III begins, but turns into a rave about 40 minutes in.
- 2002 - The Internet is officially declared "useless and beyond redemption" by the Norwegian military.
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April 19: Ex-Patriots Day (Boston)
- 1064 - William the Conqueror agrees to conquer England on a dare.
- 1234 - Mystical soothsayer Dionne Warwick predicts that the world will end unless she finds the way to San Jose.
- 1775 - The American Colonists try to communicate that the British are staging an amphibious invasion, but are misunderstood to mean that the they are coming by frog.
- 1957 - The Cat in the Hat Came back, but did not anticipate a newly installed security alarm.
- 1968 - Tensions escalate in New Haven, Connecticut as civil disobedients break glass without a case of fire.
- 1992 - Steve Guttenberg has a wardrobe malfunction at the NHL playoffs.
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April 20: Annual Rummage Through Carol Burnett's Garbage Can (Hollywood, California)
- 420 - Thousands of marijuana users get throughly ripped as a once-in-a-lifetime numerical coincidence coincidentifies with a 75-times-in-a-lifetime num... where was I?
- 571 - Cassius Clay born; later changes name to Muhammad, hails himself as "greatest prophet of all time, baby!"
- 1607 - White settlers arive at Jamestown, find nothing of value except some inedible, brown leaves and some equally inedible, brown people, so they go home.
- 1792 - France declares war on itself, surrenders.
- 1814 - The War of 1812 begins, two years behind schedule.
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April 21: Today is Sweetmorn, the 38th day of Discord in the YOLD 3171
- 753 BC - Rome is founded by The Romulans, after building it in a day.
- 1863 - Bahá'u'lláh proclaimed head of Bahá'í Faith, dooming civilization to an eternity of Unicode
- 1955 - Bob Hope decides this radio thing is old and busted. If only he knew.
- 1956 - First "Meatless Monday" at the workplace, people everywhere cringe.
- 1968 - The existence of the Higgs Boson is first postulated by Mickey Dolenz of popular beat combo The Monkees
- 1989 - Swedish super-group Roxette defies convention and releases an album of catchy pop tunes to a stunned international audience.
April 22: National Try To Assassinate The President Day (United States of America)
- 1293 - Kublai Khan drops a t-shirt into Ghengis Khan's water, thus inventing the wet t-shirt.Meanwhile,James T.Kirk is still screaming KHHHHAAAAAANNNNN
- 1864 - All United States coins convert to Christianity.
- 1914 - Babe Ruth plays his first professional game of Hungry Hungry Oprahs.
- 1970 - Environmental Teach-In attempts to celebrate Earth Day. The event was a miserable failure because it was discovered that Earth was actually created on September 26.
- 2000 - Pepsi agents seize six-year-old Elian Gonzalez and sign him to a lucrative deal where he replaces The Taco Bell Chihuahua.
- 2006 - You log on to Uncyclopedia and read the Anniversaries page for April 22.
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April 23: World Snooker Day
- 303 - St. George's head gets separated from his body during a bar brawl and is lost under a table.
- 1905 - The Royal Society goes into receivership after losing a bet over the air hypothesis.
- 1932 - California is patented by New Jersey
- 1967 - Bono's 15th secret Nativity in the Flesh
- 1975 - President Gerald Ford announces that the Vietnam War is over, calling it a "draw".
- 1994 - the top quark is discovered splattered across a field outside Adelaide.
- 2005 - read left to right, in the DDMMYY standard, this day was 2345, which is Sharon Osbourne's ATM code.
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April 24: The Feast of Maximum Occupancy
- 1353 - Badger maulings reach record levels in Europe
- 1862 - The Amerikan Sivil Whar on spelling begins, the letter u in color being the first victim
- 1974 - Carrie Fisher described as "America's most promising young actress" by Time Magazine
- 1981 - IBM create the first known evil computer.
- 2000 - Fat-free chips withdrawn from supermarket shelves in the UK due to risk of intestinal implosion.
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April 25: National Obesity Day
- 0 - The world's first April 25th was celebrated. Nostradamus predicts the world's first April 26th to occur a day later.
- 908 - A horde of Vikings raid the east coast of Britain and set up a new IKEA store.
- 1607 - Dutch Commando Dykes led by Hans Solo destroy the anchored Spanish fleet.
- 1792 - The first execution by guillotine goes horribly wrong when the severed head misses the basket, rolls into the crowd, and is stolen by dogs. The body is later buried with a carved pumpkin in place of the head.
- 1859 - Ground is broken for the Suez Canal. Israelis and Egyptians immediately begin fighting over who owns the hole.
- 1921 - President Calvin Coolidge is greatly depressed, declares a Great Depression.
- 1922 - President Calvin Coolidge is still depressed. Great Depression rages on.
- 1990 - Astronauts deploying the Hubble Space Telescope drop it on the way out the door, knocking it out of focus.
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April 26: Worldwide Do Nothing Day
- 1218 - Pretty quiet day.
- 1450 - Nothing going on here at all.
- 1678 - Nope.
- 1777 - Despite there being a war over in North America, nothing really happened today.
- 1830 - Just another dull day.
- 1836 - Something really big happened but nobody bothered to write it down.
- 1950 - Ho-hum.
- 1964 - Sorry. Still nothing happening.
- 1980 - Hey! What's that over there?!? Oh. Never mind, I was wrong.
- 1984 - Um, so, I'm going to get a coffee...
- 2003 - Paint dries on wall, making headline news.
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April 27: Eat a Live Piglet Day (Schenectady, New York)
- 1124 - King David the Lastnameless takes the throne of Scotland
- 1945 - USA and USSR meet for the first time in Germany, starting a love affair to last several decades.
- 1966 - NASA scientists propose using Dusty Springfield's 11-mile tall bouffant to get to the moon.
- 1984 - the Libyan Embassy in London is taken hostage by a VW campervan, ending in the shooting of Dr Emmet Brown.
- 1994 - placing one's head in a vice becomes illegal in Argentina
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April 28: Amateur Internet Porn Day
- 1912 - Adolf Hitler started work on Toy Story.
- 1862 - Civil War admiral David Farragut takes New Orleans, demands to know where the white women are at.
- 1888 - Approaching a bluff near the outskirts of Otakusaku,Japan, the first pig successfuly takes flight. Billions everywhere gain unlikely jobs, wives, and have sex for the first time.
- 1890 - The Baby Boom begins.
- 1920 - The Soviet Union acquires free agent Azerbaijan; US weakly responds by drafting Alaska, 39 years later.
- 1932 - Dr. Bill Cosby announces discovery of vaccine for Jell-O Fever.
- 1945 - Benito Mussolini makes the Kessel Run in under twelve parsecs.
- 2006 - Bono finally finds what he has been looking for: love with The Edge.
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April 29: Imaginary Vegetable Harvest (Hooterville)
- 1884 - Scientists Donny and Marie Osmond discover radium.
- 1954 - On a dare, a group of drunken Oxford engineering students builds Stonehenge in just under 5 hours in the middle of the night.
- 1988 - Video Definitivly Kills the Radio Star
- 1993 - Mad Donna releases her book Sax
- 1995 - The Sheep Strikes are abandoned and sheep everywhere go back to work.
- 1998 - Giant comet hits Earth. Millions die.
- 2000 - Weasels gain the right to vote.
- 4000 - Mars attacks Earth. Millions die.
- 4001 - Weasels attack Mars. Nobody notices possibly because everyone is dead.
April 30: Obscure Pop Cultural Reference Day
- 1111 - Due to scheduling conflicts, the National Agustian Zealot Institution (NAZI) invents the Gregorian Calendar over one thousand years behind their target date.
- 1773 - Thomas Paine publishes his influential pamphlet, Utter Lunacy.
- 1865 - Former First Lady and lunatic Mary Todd Lincoln learns her husband kicked it 15 days ago. She gibbers incoherently for three weeks beginning today at 9:15 A.M.
- 1962 - Hitler born.
- 1983 - Dalmatians become extinct.
- 2040 - Bill Gates is assassinated.
- 2046 - God asks the audience.
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