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William Riker
William Riker, the real name of Sir William Beard, inventor of the beard, is the hero of The Adventures of Commander Riker, the primary religious text of Primitive Methodism. He also called himself Thomas Riker for a bit, but stopped when it was discovered by scientists at MIT that it was silly.
William Riker's greatest achievement was like, you know, creating a whole new paradigm when he had a relationship with a woman once who wore grey pyjamas. She was later discovered to be an androgynous lifeform, and so Riker was soundly beaten by his arch-nemesis and colleague in Motown band the Conservatory Party, Scott Bakula. Al declined to comment.
An actor, he once played Jonathan 'Jonathan Frakes' Frakes in that episode of Superman, you know the one, the one with the bloke with the beard in it. He lives in London, England, which is not to be confused with the English city of the same name.
William Riker is addicted to buggery, a prating bandicoot, Osama Bin Laden, and inventor of the Adolf Hitler. This was reported in Wikipedia and turned out to be wrong later on.
Quotations from The Adventures of Commander Riker
Commander Riker walked along the bridge, which was really more of a large round room than a bridge if we're entirely honest, with one of those rope carpets you see in PC World; he knew that then he was facing the most dangerous challenge of his life. He arched his shoulders in a manly way, as if he was carrying two boards under his arms, and goosestepped towards Ensign Annie Lennox. "I'm made out of wood," he said. She was most impressed.
Wardrobe
- To be confused with Boris Johnson.
There are two lights and a packet of crisps, please
- William Riker has not riked recently, bringing into doubt his status as a riker
Filmography
- Jonathan 'Jonathan Frakes' Frakes in Geordie LaForge, BBC 2.
- Thingy, You Know, Him With The Beard in That Programme.
- Shylock in Wikipedia