"You're a real fine woman, won't you Bacchus that thang up!" -George Bernard Shaw

Wine was created by the damn Yankees to inebriate all of the rednecks south of the Mason-Dixon line.

However, unknown to the rednecks, wine is an illicit substance at Wal-Marts and K-marts on Sunday. It is called the Great Blue Law. The corporate management in 1773 proclaimed the Sunday prohibition upon the sorry inhabitants of Dixieland. And for 232 years the rednecks have been deemed evil for desiring to imbibe on Sunday.

This forced denunciation has caused many birth defects among the Youth of Dixieland (commonly referred to as Speds). The now mentally challenged Speds are forced to make a plea to the gods every Sunday for mercy regarding the Great Blue Law and must repent rather than mow their lawns.

Contents

Types of Wine

There are as many types of wines in the world as there are grapes, regions and, of course, bootleggers.

Red

A chalky, almost diabological drink. Red Wine is designed to stain the teeth of your least favorite co-worker, grow hair on your husband's chest, and put the blush back into Santa's cheeks. Red wine is best served with beef.

White

White Wine is for sissies. It is typically served with poultry and fish.

Black

Black Wine is the natural opposite of White Wine. It is believed to be evil and cannot be consumed by mortals unless they have been huffing kittens. It is best served with excommunication.

Cardassian

Cardassian Wine is a blue concoction banned by the Federation. It typically goes with dishes that are best served cold.

Pinko

Pinko Wine is a hybrid-fusion drink made from mixing the last of a bottle of Red Wine with the sweat of followers of the Communist Manifesto. It is typically served over the blood of the martyrs of the Revolution.

Chilean

Chilean wine is cheaper than French wine, and it comes in a special box called "guatero galáctico". "Guateros galácticos" were used by the Mapuche - the largest indigenous tribe - as bagpipes. They are now considered divine and buried in special ceremonies, such as Día de los Muertos. Also, the good thing about chilean wine (and this is for real) is a good balance between price/quality ,so...its the cheapest way to get drunk and die in a pool of your own vomit in this southern polar country

Faux Wine

Faux Wine refers to any drink manufacturered by Manischewitz, Mogan David or a host of other Kosher wine producers. Faux Wine is characterized by its nauseatingly sweet bouquet and gaggingly rough cough syrup taste. It is typically in a large jug with KFC and tears.

Clear

Invisible or clear wine, also known as water, has been shown to cause cancer in lab rats, make Viagra go down easier (Is that a pun?), and transmorphicate into red wine anytime someone destined for crucifixion touches it. Drinking too little Clear Wine causes big pimples to break out on one's derriere. Drinking too much Clear Wine has been shown to cause Overactive Bladder Syndrome, a nearly fatal disease. It is typically served in plastic bottles, and costs more than most other types of wine when sold in this form.

Jesus Juice

Invented by wine connoisseur Michael Jackson, Jesus Juice is only served to impressionable 13-year-old male cancer patients. Jesus Juice is easily distinguished from other wines, as it usually comes in Coke cans. It is most effective on an empty stomach.

Quality

The key to judging a wine's quality is four-fold.

  1. Colour/clarity: When picking up a wine glass, can you see any weird-ass unidentifiable things floating through it? Does it look like something you fished out of the aquarium? If the answers to the previous questions are both "no," then you can probably drink it, but don't quote me on this.
  2. Smell: If you can snort a thimbleful of wine and it doesn't burn the crap out of your nasal passages, it's not any good. Does it smell like something you fished out of a toilet? If not, then it's probably safe, but you might want to send a sample to the lab first.
  3. Taste: If you aren't offended by the colour or smell, then go ahead and taste it, if you dare.
  4. Price: In what is called the U-B-poor Theory of winedom, the more expensive the wine, the better the taste. Bottles of 56 (as in 0056, not 1956) Chateau de la Mortimer Snerd, which retails for 1 Everything, is said to taste so good upon drinking it, the imbiber implodes in pure pleasure.

Update

The gods, now fearing mass retardation and suicidation on the part of the rednecks, have finally stepped in.

They halted the prohibition in large Southern cities whose Yankee immigration exceeds 50% of the population, but the outlying cities with a population in excess of 80% redneck are not allowed to purchase alcohol on Sunday.

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See also